guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
