You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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