now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
