Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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