i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
