i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
