I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
