pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.