When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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