if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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