im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
