This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
