Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i black out too much to be "responsible"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
