the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
