Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
