Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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