my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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