i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug