I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.