Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
