he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
