a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
