She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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