just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She bit a glass in half.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
