Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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