I like my sex mixed with concussions.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
