u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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