I accidentally had phone sex last night
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
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That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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you made out with another girl for some wings
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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