My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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