Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
