I wish I could punch you in the face.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There's always time for handjobs
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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