ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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