ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
sex in a hospital.. check
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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