last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
