I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So drunk its hurt
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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