I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
