somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
