Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
