dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
