mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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