jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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