I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just want to make out with him forever
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
