so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
