this boner is exhausting
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You were trust falling into bushes
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
