I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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