I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
