I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Randomize
