When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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