Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
