I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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