I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
