I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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