The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
