I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Are we still banned from the library?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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