i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
our cab driver is having phone sex.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
