i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
