I am spending my child support on dildos
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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