between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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