Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
