you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
