I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
