Sponge bath it is.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
